It’s not me, it’s you: are you too defensive?

Do you consistently find yourself getting hot under the collar when someone asks you to approach a task differently or offers a piece of constructive criticism? Maybe you find yourself in arguments that seem trivial with the benefit of hindsight. The frustration you’re feeling in those situations is your ego jumping to your defense, and that’s not always a good thing.

But hey, we’re not here to judge! We’ve all had moments when we’ve reacted defensively – with the boss at work, a partner, parents, and even friends. The problem is, while we’re quick to point out when others are behaving defensively, we can’t always see it in ourselves – because all our focus is going into justifying our own point of view.

When you frequently react defensively, it can cause distrust and frustration in your relationships, at work, and even get in the way of your fitness journey. If someone told you they couldn’t see much difference after you’d been working out for six weeks, would you give up then and there?

Let’s not let that happen!

Why so defensive?

We all have an ego and an urge to protect ourselves. In fact, a certain level of defensiveness is ‘built-in’ and completely natural – it helps us ward off unpleasant or unacceptable feelings like shame, pain and anxiety. It’s when we react with defensiveness frequently that bigger problems arise.

So what triggers a defensive response?

For some, it may be insecurity: “I’m not bad at my job, you just don’t understand my process.”

If you’re insecure or lack a strong sense of self, it’s easy to see other people as hostile or a threat. Even an encouraging suggestion (“Why don’t you try…”) can be taken as a personal attack, triggering defense mechanisms like denial or projection.

For others, it may be a past trauma: “You don’t know what I’ve been through.”

When there is a sore point in your past, it can make you defensive today, building up a “me against the world” attitude. When criticized or questioned, you may repress and shut down (“I don’t want to talk about it”), or regress to past behaviors.

Then there is straight-up stress: “Well if you think you can do it faster, you’re welcome to it.”

When you’re dealing with a lot of stress, it can be hard to find the patience to respond gracefully to a slight. It’s easier to rationalize (“That guy’s a fool, why would I listen to him?”) or displace that stress, like taking out workplace pressure on the delivery driver who brought you the wrong order.

Can you defend against defensiveness?

Defensiveness is often a primitive or instinctive gut reaction – you may find yourself snapping back before you even realize what you’re saying (or not saying, if your response is to withdraw).

To combat it, you need to take the focus off the insult and put the microscope back on your own reaction. Because to make progress, we need to be able to take criticism on board and understand other points of view.

Try these tips next time you notice yourself getting defensive:

1. Take a step back

If you can’t stop the defense mechanism from kicking in, it’s important that you take a breath and get over the initial reaction. It’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of defensiveness with your partner, for example. By taking a time out, you can come back to a discussion or a problem without judgment, ready to honestly evaluate what they’re saying and work together.

2. Check yourself

Your work was criticized and you got defensive. Yup, it happened. Once you’ve had a chance to calm down, take a minute to really consider whether the criticism had any merit. If you had delivered that same feedback to someone else, would you still consider it unreasonable? Did it perhaps hit a nerve – something you know you need to work on?

Use this as a chance to assess where you’re at, where there’s room for improvement and how you can move forward.

3. Boost your confidence

Okay, we know this one isn’t easy. But as we learned earlier, defensiveness can be a symptom of insecurity, so building healthy confidence and self-worth is important to combat it. You’ve already made a start by working on your health and fitness – your Centr workouts are helping you to realize you’re capable of more and better!

You can continue to boost it by doing something every day that makes you feel secure and strong: make your famous lasagne or master Dan’s much-loved Mac & Cheese. Finish off a DIY project. Prepare thoroughly for a big meeting or exam. Remind yourself of things you’ve done and continue to do well.

The more you build up your self-worth, the harder it will be for a comment from someone else to knock it down.