How to have difficult conversations

Do you find yourself avoiding difficult conversations, especially with the people in your life you are the closest to? Difficult conversations with family members, co-workers or friends are challenging for many reasons and can create a sense of anxiety or worry.

Facing uncomfortable or confrontational situations is unsettling. This can cause avoidance, unresolved frustration and even resentment toward the other person or people involved. Learning the art of having difficult conversations is integral to psychological growth and emotional health.

Just like growing pains, difficult conversations are an uncomfortable catalyst for change. Difficult conversations can cause us to react rather than respond. Though we are all capable of responding in a responsible manner to an uncomfortable situation, when we feel threatened, afraid or isolated, we can react quickly and with poor judgement.

This may cause both parties to react in a way that is angry, negative and even hurtful. Understanding that reactivity is a natural response to a stressor is fundamental to having difficult conversations.

The intention is not about who is right and who is wrong, but how you can come together to fix the unresolved problem”

1. Be clear

The first step in beginning a difficult conversation is to acknowledge the discomfort that is present and create a reasonable intention for the exchange. An intention to create clarity will help to understand where the other person(s) is coming from, state your needs respectfully and ultimately find a solution. This intention sets up the conversation for a better chance of resolution.

If the main intention is to release judgement, frustration and anger on the other person then it will be difficult to ‘course correct’ to a beneficial conversation. The intention is not about who is right and who is wrong, but how you can come together to fix the unresolved problem. You may choose to begin the conversation by acknowledging the difficulty in this conversation and offering your hope for a resolution.

2. Stay open

During the conversation, maintaining a sense of openness is vital to moving forward. Willingness to listen to the other person is a necessary component to do so. If you feel the other person may pass judgment, become defensive or overreact, you can begin the conversation by setting ground rules that you will both follow.

Some of these rules may include no name-calling, only making “I” statements rather than “you” statements and agreeing to use only observations rather than judgements.

Remaining open can mean being direct without blaming or judging but rather speaking from a place of inquiry and curiosity. Rather than taking comments personally, ask yourself “what does this situation have to say about me?” Imagine yourself in the other’s shoes so you can take in what they are saying without jumping to conclusions.

Rather than taking comments personally, ask yourself “what does this situation have to say about me?”

3. Use direct language

Using direct language is necessary for a difficult conversation. Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, created a model called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) that guides us to have more direct and clear communication. Observing, feeling, needs and requests are a four-fold approach to clear and effective communicate in difficult situations.

Try using statements such as “I have observed”, “I feel”, or “I need” to better communicate your emotions. When responding to the other party’s statements try statements like “I can understand”, “I agree with you” or “would you like..?”

4. Be vulnerable

Letting go of expectations and allowing all parties involved to speak from a place of vulnerability will help a difficult conversation become more graceful. Be direct, willing to listen to the other person and open to seeing your role in this dynamic to best maneuver the challenging situation.

Research professor Brené Brown offers a feedback checklist with statements such as “I’m willing to own my part” and “I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you”. Using this type of vulnerability will make you a more direct, effective and clear communicator.

Through difficult conversations, we gain insight into ourselves and deepen our ability to connect with those around us.”

Though it is natural for humans to avoid the pain and discomfort of a challenging face-to-face, if we can shift our view to understand that difficult conversations are a way to mature and evolve we can use them to our benefit. Through difficult conversations, we gain insight into ourselves and deepen our ability to connect with those around us.

The tools listed above are a wonderful way to begin these conversations while remembering that mastering difficult conversations is a skill we must practice to become truly expert at.