The art of relationship repair The art of relationship repair

Relationships are hard work. Despite the profound love we hold for our partners, I’ve seen so often in my therapy practice how easy it is to let a partnership dissolve into conflict. This is because conflict is inevitable. No matter how compatible we are with someone, there will always be some areas of life where we disagree. Our partners will push every one of our buttons at some point in the relationship. Relationships are like consciousness pressure cookers – which is one of the reasons why theyare so valuable. If your relationship is currently in a cycle of conflict and arguments that spiral into icy-cold standoffs, take heart. This doesn’t indicate certain doom or failure. It merely indicates that there’s something to work through. It’s how you respond in the time of conflict that really counts!

How can you turn things around? Even though you’re currently on each other’s last nerve, take some time to focus on your deeper desire for the partnership, beneath the petty arguments and stabs at each other. You can maintain the well-being of the bond if you remember your why. Because I admire this person and want the best for them. Because our love is stronger than this. This deeper why is what you’ll come back to in times of conflict. This deeper why will inspire you to learn the art of repair.

Find your secret weapon

One of my favorite relationship experts, John Gottman, says repair is a happy couple’s secret weapon. He says that “repair” is any statement or action intended to diffuse negativity during a conflict. For me, any is the key word in that statement! It means that whether I reach out to touch my partner’s arm, smile at him, cook him a grilled cheese sandwich, or make a joke, any action can work. All that matters is that my intention be to diffuse the conflict. This means I have to put my ego aside for a minute and really intend to shift the energy for both of us. Even the slightest mixed motivation (I still want him to see how wrong he is! He’ll pay for this later! What a jerk!) will be felt and the technique won’t work.

If both people in the relationship have the same motivation to diffuse the conflict and come back to love, repair attempts will work doubly well. Your partner will start to see that you’re making a gesture to diffuse the conflict, and will join you in the deeper intention to right the ship rather than careening off course. If you can talk to your partner and both agree to try this mindful, purposeful “damage control” technique, you’ll be well on your way to maintaining a stable, happy relationship that lasts. And if you’re in a situation where you can’t both agree to try this together, try spearheading the mission and seeing how your partner responds to you softening in a tense moment. They might be so shocked that they will forget what the fight was about in the first place!

What does a repair attempt look like for you?

You’ll have to find what works in your relationship. We’re all wired a bit differently. Some that work for me are:

1. Placing a hand on my partner’s shoulder. Physical contact is very effective at softening things.
2. If I’ve just said something reactive I’ll say, “Wait, can I take that back?” or “Can we press reset?” Sometimes I’ll even say, “I really blew that one” or “I can see my part in this”.

These actions and statements are like bids for connection that go straight to my partner’s nervous system and heart. He feels me again. Both of our defenses loosen, and we start to look less like scary monsters to each other. There’s kind of a “hey, it’s you in there!” feeling. We start to remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel if we can find each other beneath our defenses.

It’s important to note that the success of this repair technique is related to the overall state of the marriage. If the relationship is thick with negativity, even the most skillful attempt may not work.

What’s your positive to negative ratio?

To keep the airways clear, try to stay mindful of the balance between positive and negative feelings in your marriage overall. Gottman says that for happy couples to stay happy, they must maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative. This means that for every one negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be five positive feelings or interactions. If this ratio is persistently way off, the relationship may need more intensive intervention, like counseling or therapy to really get to the root issues keeping you from being kind to each other.

It’s so important to maintain the balance of positivity in ourrelationships – the overall tone of the relationship matters immensely. Try to set the overall tone towards positivity and mutual support. It can be much harder to reverse issues when the overall tone is not supportive.

One more pitch for the repair technique: studies have shown that this amazing skill goes beyond your relationship - it also decreases stress and anxiety, and positively impacts metabolic, autoimmune, inflammatory and cardiovascular responses. Imagine that! And thus, the art of repair is really the art of self care. When we take care of our relationships, our bodies and our inner sense of peace benefits as well. This is a skill set worth the struggle.