Is it time you saw your partner in a fresh light? Is it time you saw your partner in a fresh light?

The acclaimed poet David Whyte writes of friendship: “The ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor the self, the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another.”

How do we nurture and maintain this ability to see one another? How do we learn to witness and how do we encourage this capacity to grow, rather than diminish, through the passage of time? If friendship is the basis for strong marriage/partnership, how do we keep truly seeing our partner, year after year, through time and through the history we make together? Can we stay clear-sighted and open to see a fresh “essence” even in what feels familiar and known, even in what we feel endured to?

Mindfulness holds the answers. If we train the capacity to be in the present moment we maintain the precious gift of granting and bearing witness. We can see and be seen. With a trained capacity to be mindful (present here and now, on purpose, without judgment) we are able to see the present and current essence of the other before us, as opposed to the automatic, reflexive image which is brought forth by implicit memory. We can see our partner there before us with inquisitiveness and curiosity once again. We can perceive her through a mindful brain regulating a mindful body, willing and able to see what this very moment holds.

Approaching one another from a state of mindfulness allows for focused attention, open awareness and kind intention. We have fresh eyes and fewer assumptions. We have trained the ability to hold at bay the cascade of memories, stories, and feelings from another time, another place, another relationship. We have moved from reactive, reflexive brain to reflective, mindful brain. We are ready to share a brand new moment. We are ready to inhabit friendship.

And here is the essential point: this tool which can transform our relationships, this mindfulness practice, is available to each and every one of us. There is nothing we need buy, there is no club we need join, there is no method we need learn. Mindfulness is presence to what is. We get still. We pause the “doing”. We stay with ourselves through all that arises within us and around us. We need not quiet our minds or aim for transcendence. We practice being attentive here and now.

We are, each of us, capable of training our brains and bodies in the direction of this capacity to be present. It is a process of building, through time and repetition, an interest in being with our feelings and sensations in the given moment, an interest in feeling our animal bodies breathe and settle, an interest in learning to bear witness. If we are interested and willing we can learn this way of being. It is available to us. And the gifts of the practice come forward.

Thus, the friendship of which Whyte writes, the “privilege” of seeing and being seen is also available to each and every one of us – a privilege which is our birthright. As we practice mindfulness we grow towards the deeper fulfillment of companionship. This feeling of being taken in, of being known and of offering this towards another is the deepest nourishment we have. Building our mindful practice is building our tribe.