How to stop criticism from ruining your relationship

Even when we love each other, criticisms still come up in relationships from time to time. Receiving criticism from someone we care about can be incredibly painful and uncomfortable. When we feel judged and misunderstood by an important person in our lives, it can feed our insecurity and make us ashamed, vulnerable, frustrated and confused. If left unattended, this can be a source of ongoing pain and turmoil.

Emotional resilience is vital in relationships and life, so it’s in our best interest to manage criticism in a healthy manner. It’s possible to grow, learn and even strengthen the relationship as a result of this challenge.

Though it is never easy to deal with criticism, it’s a skill that can be learned and it does get easier the more you practice.

Am I overreacting?

When feeling criticized by a person close to you it’s natural to have a stress response. You may shut down or become angry. Shutting down can make problems linger and cause long-term difficulty in the relationship. Knee-jerk anger might even make us lash out in response.

When you recognize the sudden defensive reaction, step back, breathe and consider your response rather than letting it come from a negative place. Ask yourself whether you are interpreting it correctly – their comment might not be meant as criticism. It’s important to seek clarity on this.

Is it valid?

Though you may dislike the way the criticism was delivered, is there any truth to it? Take time to do a sincere self-inventory. Even if you feel the criticism was delivered harshly, try to look at the point they’re making. If you step back and see the truth of what they’re saying, you might need to make some changes in your behavior. This isn’t always easy to accept, but it will make you a stronger and better person.

Could this be about something else?

Look at the whole situation and ask, why is this happening? Is there an underlying cause that has made someone lash out? Sometimes when we’re stressed, worried or insecure, we project that negative energy onto others.

Maybe they say you’re selfish for going to the gym after work instead of coming home. What they might really mean is they’re too busy to take that time for themselves and they’re jealous, or they feel that you’re not giving them enough attention and they’re lonely. They may just be stressed and looking for an outlet. If the criticism has no validity, and especially if it is frequent or unkind, then it may be time to set a boundary in the relationship or address it head-on.

Can you talk about it?

If you’re confused or worried that there may be an underlying cause that isn’t apparent, sit down with your partner and ask them about it. Find out how and why this is important to them, what they need from you, and how long they’ve felt this way. Get a full picture of the situation. Allow them to share their perspective. Chances are they’ll feel more positive and valued as a result, and you can move forward in a constructive way.

What have you learned?

As in any challenging encounter, we want to ask ourselves: how can I learn from this experience? When we approach difficult interactions in life with a willingness to be open rather than shut everything out, we have the opportunity to grow. Learning to respond mindfully to criticism is a great tool for an emotionally resilient and healthy life.