4 ways to stop arguments from ruining your relationship

Even relationships that seem picture perfect have rocky patches. Conflict in a partnership is not always a sign of a relationship on the edge. On the contrary, fighting can sometimes bring growth and connection. It is inevitable that any two people will disagree, brush up against one another’s boundaries, and have times of tension, but how do you and your partner deal with this the right way?

Being willing to work together through difficulty is the foundation of a strong relationship.

Next time you find yourself in a fight, here are four tips to help you get through, and even turn it around.

1. Press pause

One of the most important strategies in these conflicts is knowing when to press pause. After a short period of time in a heated disagreement, participants are not able to hear new information. This is partly due to the 'fight or flight' response. This means that often a fight will spiral through the same old “facts” on both sides, without the couple being able to hear and understand one another.

If you find yourself in this repetitive pattern, it may be best to pause (anywhere between 15 minutes to 24 hours) and come back when both parties have had time to cool down.

2. Find the real reason

Ask yourself “What is this really about?” This question may help give you a clearer perspective during a fight. For example, am I really mad at my partner for failing to do the dishes, or is it that I feel overwhelmed? Do I want to feel more connected generally? Do I feel undervalued?

When we are able to take a moment and identify our needs and emotional triggers, it enables us to assert ourselves more effectively and our needs are more likely to be met.

Is this the right time to fight? Often a small stressor can cause a huge fight at an unexpected time.

3. Check the time

Is this the right time to fight? Often a small stressor can cause a huge fight at an unexpected time. Driving in traffic, doing dishes or paying bills can all trigger a couple to fight because unresolved tension may rise to the surface. To skilfully manoeuvre away, say “I know that this is stressful, can we find another time to talk this through?”

Scheduling a time to come together, connect and discuss the issues that are arising with a calm and collected disposition allows for greater resolution.

4. Turn it into a positive

Couples who thrive see conflict as an opportunity to turn toward one another for growth. To do this both parties have to be willing to be vulnerable and honest. Next time conflict arises with your partner, consider the fight as an opportunity to strengthen your bond. Be determined to approach conflict as a way to problem solve and reaffirm your commitment to each other, paving the way for smoother times ahead.