3 simple rules to master your emotions 3 simple rules to master your emotions

One of the great challenges we face as imperfect, fallible humans is to handle the things that upset us in a healthy way. How often in life have you been personally offended by a rude coworker, by someone cutting you off in traffic, or by your partner not fulfilling your expectations? All of these seemingly small things can, if we don’t have the skillset to handle them, send us in a downward spiral of anger and irritation.

Imagine for a second being able to stay calm and centered through the inconvenient and hurtful parts of your day. There would be more space for you to feel happy and pursue the things that really matter to you. You would realize that there are so many things out of our direct control… so what if we could relax about these things and find peace of mind, even in the chaos?

If there’s one tool needed in the modern world we live in, this is it! Cultivating calm detachment, humor and acceptance of the things we can’t change is priceless on the mindfulness path.

So, what does it really take to stay grounded in charged situations? Here are few tips, adapted from the book How To Be An Adult by David Richo.

1. Try to accept the reality of the situation

Regardless of whether you agree with it or not. It’s all too common to try to fight so hard with what is, especially when things change unexpectedly.

In reality, our life circumstances are not as rock-solid as we wish they were, and change is basically a guarantee in life. But before you react, can you first accept that things have changed? Can you accept that not every opportunity is meant for you? Can you accept that people do not always behave in the way you want them to? Accepting change and disappointment is the first step to staying sane.

2. Take responsibility for your emotional reaction

Notice what has been triggered for you. Is it fear? Jealousy? Worry? Rage? As Richo points out, “strong feelings we have now show us where our unmourned issues are.” He points out that we only react to things that trigger an already existing wound.

A client of mine recently went through a situation that triggered enormous jealousy for her. By working through this we identified why she was feeling this way. And, as a result, she started working out how to feel her own worth and trust her own path, rather than comparing herself to others. If you really look at it, it’s only because she was triggered that she had the opportunity to heal this deep wound.

We tend to want to avoid feeling hurt in life, yet so often it is through challenge that we find the opportunity to grow more capable and resilient.

3. Let go of the need for payback

This can be a real challenge when you’ve felt hurt or slighted by someone. Newsflash: when we hold onto a perceived wrong and want to strike back, it only makes it more painful and prevents us from moving forward.

I’m sure we’ve all seen an example of this in family or friends. When they can't let go of a perceived wrongdoing, or they're feeling constantly slighted by life. The result is that the person’s life gets stagnant, they stay stuck and they are unable to experience joy. The saying coined by Malachy McCourt says it all: “resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” If you can instead accept the hurt and let it go, your life will quickly take on new meaning and joy.

Even with small hurts and grievances, see if you can breathe through the knee-jerk reaction to snap back or reciprocate the bad feeling in some way. While we tend think this will make us feel satisfied, really it just deepens the pain for both people. See if you can walk away, or speak back to the person in a mature, detached way.

If you can implement these three important tools, you will be well on your way to a happy life free from resentment and bitterness.